Move over Hillary Clinton-there’s a new biggest cuck in American history, and they play hockey in Chicago.

Last night the hockey world was shook with one of the biggest trades we’ve seen in the sport in the last decade, with Colorado shipping superstar Mikko Rantanen out to Carolina in exchange for Marty Necas, Jack Drury, and a couple of late round draft picks.

Two Stanley Cup contenders making a deal mid season that involves a) the Hurricanes’ leading scorer this year and b) the player with the 5th most goals the last 3 seasons and 6th most points is unheard of, not just in hockey but in sports in general. At first glance you’d ask why would either team want to make this deal, but looking at it from a 30k foot view this is a clear win win for both Carolina and Colorado.

Rantanen and the Avs have long been rumored to be struggling to agree on a # for his new deal, and you can’t just let a player like Rantanen walk at the end of this season as a UFA.

For Carolina, Necas is an absolute stud. But I don’t think it’s likely he ever reaches Miko Rantanen level, so if they can trade for him + sign him to a longer deal then it’s also a huge win for him.

Sounds like a pretty sweat deal for all parties involved right? You’d be correct, if it weren’t for a third team being involved in this deal sitting in the corner on a chair with poor lumbar support while the other two parties involved make sweet love to each other on top of the hotel room duvet.

You see on top of the exchange of star players, the Blackhawks also decided to ship one of their solid veteran players (and probably fantastic mentor for Connor Bedard to have) in Taylor Hall.

So in review:

Colorado gets a legit rising star who’s on pace for 92 points this year, a decent middle line center, and 2 draft picks.

Carolina gets superstar Miko Rantanen and a solid forward in Taylor Hall that a ton of teams would love to have in the middle of their lineup come spring.

Blackhawks get a 3rd round draft pick, and are paying half of Rantanen’s salary for Colorado/Carolina????

I have had time to digest this trade, and I genuinely cannot wrap my brain around the move by Chicago. You literally gained nothing (unless that 3rd round pick turns into the 2nd coming of Patty Kane), and are also paying for Colorado to shed salary so they can give Carolina a superstar? I don’t see any short term or long term benefit for Chicago here. They’re just taking a whipping to let the real teams play without them, and watching them actually compete from the side.

This wouldn’t be like if you let another guy have an hour or two with your wife in bed, this is like if you

-booked the hotel room

-provided the lube

-changed their sheets for them after

-paid for the post coitus room service meal.

I am saying this as a Blues fan, but watching this once proud original six franchise who flat out DOMINATED the entire 2010’s winning 3 Stanley Cups fall to this is just sad. The Blackhawks have been “rebuilding” since like 2018, and moves like this tell me I don’t think they’re going to be contending for anything anytime soon. Is it time for a new rival for the Blues?

(probably not, we’re average as all hell so having a terrible rival is good for my fragile ego).

The person I feel the worst for here is Connor Bedard. Although Chicago was awful when they drafted him, the feeling I got (again, saying this as a Blues fan) was that this was when the real turn around would start. He’d get some solid veteran performing cast members, continue to get better and better each season, eventually become the captain of the Blackhawks, and in a few years they’d be competing again.

But the way this season is going and Chicago deciding they’ll be the cuck of professional sports now, I legitimately can’t see Chicago sniffing a Cup until like 2035, let alone a division title with how loaded the Central is.

Hopefully Chicago’s nail painting quarterback can turn their NFL franchise around soon, because their hockey franchise seems to be content sitting in the corner of a hotel room that you do NOT want to see black lit for the foreseeable future.

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