So my buddy Greg called in to the Patty B. Hotline the other day and asked us what ingredients would be necessary for a High School Hockey movie. Knowing that Hal and I are HUGE Friday Night Light fans (we argue between movie and TV show), I took it to the Twittersphere to find out what people think.
Shoutout to Dart Guy. I know nothing about him but you can tell he’s a guy you’d love to drink a beer with and watch him scream at the TV. Absolute passion, something us hockey fans know and recognize.
While all of these Tweets brought their own form of justification, I decided to write a quick blog highlighting my 5 most important factors of a high school hockey movie, in no particular order.
If you’ve watched Friday Night Lights and know me, you know my favorite character is Buddy Garrity. This guy eats, dreams and lives High School football so it’s only necessary to have a beer distribution manager who pounds chicken wings and packs fat lips as the head of the booster club, named Wayne Dunlop, the estranged brother of Reggie. This may seem a little weird but I’m a huge booster club guy. In my high school years I saw our booster club allegedly by skates for the starting goalie so I hold a personal vendetta. Wayne would be so FTB and also would start the high school chants that are shouted at every game. He’d probably paint his face and take his shirt off. Why? Because he has a championship ring from back in 1980. Glory days people.
The only outside football action in FNL is really when Boobie Miles is throwing the ball to the kids and when Tim Riggins was the Powderpuff football coach. Us hockey players are different in a sense that in the winter, if were not in the rink, we are on the pond. Some of the best memories have come from ponds and lakes and it would be a disgrace for this not to be a key feature. Now in your head youre probably thinking of crystal clear ice, but if you’re a real hockey player you know this NEVER happens. A pond hockey player is only as good as his shovel and would be highlighted thoroughly along with lawn chairs and Jack Daniels. There is nothing like skipping school and going to the ice with the boys. Getting chills just thinking about it.
Hot Hockey Moms
This is the only picture I could find that says ‘hockey moms’ so bear with me. Every kid who has played high school hockey has looked in the stands and seen an absolute rocket of a mom. You know that you should be scoring goals for your team but deep down you know you have a brownie, pizza or a capris sun from Mrs. Jones along with a hug that may last just a little bit long after the game. LOVE when all the moms sit together and dance during intermission and whistles. Our song that got the people going was I got a feeling by the Black Eyed Peas. I don’t know why, but whenever this song comes on I almost always get a little hot bothered. Shake your tail feathers moms, the boys are watching.
The Kid who is dogshit who will inevitably score a huge goal
Classic. Theres always one kid on the team that nobody particularly likes because of the try hard attitude and the needing to fit in everywhere. This kid also is always the asshole who scores the big goal. As a team, you have to take a deep breath and make yourself accept them as not only an equal, but as a human being. Once this happens, the boys start bonding, start stringing together a few W’s and pave their road to state. Shoutout to my old coach that made us skate circles screaming were going to State during a 3-14 senior year. Fuck everyone who said we didn’t buy in.
Crazy Assistant coach
Right up there with the Booster Club, a crazy assistant coach is CRUCIAL to a high school hockey film. We once had team bonding over at a giant field where we had a big game of capture the flag. Pregame, our assistant coach brings in our team and tells us to pretend to go to the bathroom, grab the flag and wheel. After going 3-0 our head coach realized what was going on and flipped his shit. During this escapade, our assistant coach starts yelling at us and the moment our head coach walked away he gave us a quick wink and a “If you’re not cheating, you’re not trying.” That’s the kind of guy you go to battle for and will be a high school hockey movie fan favorite. One more quick thing, the guy has to be fat. No one respects a skinny assistant coach. All skinny assistant coaches remind me of Tony Perkis.
Woof. You know what you can do though? You can take shit from a fat assistant coach and recognize them as a crazy uncle or black sheep brother. Body Mass Index is the most important stat when it comes to assistant coaching. Think John Candy or Jack Black.
Last thing we need for this movie is a location. The movie is only as good as the backdrop so the coordinates of this movie are just as crucial as my five factors. My top three locations include:
As the home of Charlie Conway, and the home of the best High School Hockey in the states, Minneapolis Minnesota would be a great spot for this movie. To be honest, I don’t know much about it, I just know that the road to state leads you here:
And thats something I can get behind.
Saranac Lake, NY
Only miles away from Lake Placid, Saranac Lake would be an ideal spot for this movie. My ex girfriend is from there so I’ve spent a bit of time up north. Outdoor rinks, Winter Carnival, Rivalry night against Placid and a shit ton of camo puts Saranac on top of the list.
Santa Margarita, CA
Give me a second to explain. First off, everyone loves Santa and every one loves Margaritas. Secondly, the team is legit. They’ve won state in California, as the Cali begins to produce NHL talent. Lastly, think Laguna Beach. What a show. Hot chicks, surfs up and hockey. While the presence of pond hockey would be lacking, street hockey is HUGE for the boys and something I’d be interested in seeing.
What do you guys think? Did I miss anything? Let me know.