Well, my personal nightmare has come true. The Tampa Bay Lightning and the Montreal Canadiens are facing off in the Stanley Cup finals. This scenario is the stuff of nightmares, hellscapes and a definitive sign that the zombie apocalypse is upon us. All the survival training that you’ve been doing is about to pay off as there’s no other explanation for this matchup. If you could ask me to list my most hated sports franchises, IN ANY SPORT, these 2 teams would make my list. In fact, I’d probably put them both in the top 5 twice to be safe.
The Habs. Good grief these fucking twats. The holier than thou attitude, the home of hockey, the history of the bleu, blanc et rouge. Eat a
bag of dicks.. er a plate of poutine. The lineage of hockey’s greats, the domination of the Original Six (I mean they got first crack at all players from Quebec but sure, that was fair). The fans calling the police on Chara, too many men on the ice, the ghosts of the Forum, the memories are not a fun look back. I will say that this is not the flopping, diving and whining Canadians that you remember. They have a young dynamic group sprinkled with some “seasoned” veterans and the best goalie on the planet; but still, the decades of hatred is always there simmering away right below the surface like a pimple ready to pop and spew hatred all over your slimy turtleneck wearing face.
Talk about a punchable face
The Bolts. Fuck this bunch of whining, dirty pukes for eternity with a sandpaper finish and no lube as Biz likes to say. Let’s leave out the Kucherov cap manipulation at this time. I’m even going to save my deep state conspiracy theory that emanates from the Kremlin and snakes to the league office and the Caps and Bolts front offices for another post. I just can’t stand a team full of whiny punks like this team. From Killorn (BTW Dougie Gilmour is the only NHLer worthy of the nickname Killer) with his middle linebacker shoulder pads to “Ivan Dochenko” doppelgänger Sergachev to Brayden “Geico Caveman” Point all they do is piss and moan to the refs. I used to respect Stamkos (still do kind of), but man I can’t stand that shit. Yep, I’m that old guy yelling at the clouds that you need to play the game the right way, man up and quit yer’ bitching! And a special fuck you to Pat Maroon who played the tough guy all series when the refs were in between him and Matt Martin. Man what I would’ve given to see Martin shitpump Fat Pat.
I literally feel as if I’m going to vomit as I type this. I’m hoping the Canadiens win this in 7. I want Corey “The Worm” Perry to score the GWG and then impale Victor Hedman and skate around The Bell Centre like a scene from Gladiator. I want Brendan Gallagher to get his ferret mustache carved off his face by Ryan McDonagh and then fed baby bird style into the gaping maw of John Cooper as he laughs maniacally on the Tampa bench. I want The Bergeven to shave his own head in the luxury box and then base jump naked to the top of the giant Tesla Coil in Amalie Arena and light himself on fire by smashing the coil with a whiskey bottle. I want what every hockey fan whose team is out of the playoffs wants: 7 games so full of chaos and blood and hatred that it becomes a war of attrition and descends into a hockey version of Leo vs. The Bear combined with the opening 10 minutes of Saving Private Ryan. Blood and bodies scattered over the ice like bowling pins.
My familial lineage from Saskatchewan wins out vs. that time I went to a strip club in Tampa. I mean my first choice would be a meteor hits the arena with the score tied in game 7 and both teams plunge into a sink-hole to the center of the earth, but I’m trying to keep this upbeat.
Okay, deep breath… (Puke burp) Canadiens in 7.
Fuck both of these teams and their fan bases for eternity.
Let’s Go Bruins!