With the New Year almost upon us, I decided to take a whack at resolutions for all 32 NHL teams. If you’ve listened to the latest podcast (which you can find here), you know that I’m not a big resolutions guy, but that doesn’t stop me from giving resolutions to your favorite hockey team. When it comes to telling other people what to do I’m Jedi level baby.
To kick us off I’ll insert a direct quote from my homeboy Preston @vgkdp57 who covers the St. Louis Blues and the Vegas Golden Knights “Every team needs more beans”, so there’s that.
Without any further delay Dear Reader, let’s dive in:
- ANA Ducks resolve to let Trevor Zegras and Sonny Milano run all the skill drills in the New Year. Let’s go boys, Dish-A-Gan drill! Bring your baby Yoda and line up at the nets!
- ARZ Coyotes resolve to PAY YOUR BILLS on time and for the love of The Hockey Gods, appreciate Phil Kessel while you still have him.
- BOS Bruins resolve to get over the 2015 draft. Trade them, get rid of them, let’s move forward and be happy with Zboril and stop trying to justify the other picks. And while I’m at it, let’s stop listening to Sully or Farley calling in from his mom’s basement telling you to get back to the Big Bad Bruins. Enough already with trying to placate the morons, just fix it and let’s get Bergy another ring
- BUF Sabres resolve to allow their players to have body autonomy and let’s be happy with the guys we have. I mean Alex Tuch actually WANTS to play for you.
- CGY Flames resolve to (somehow) sign everyone and keep the core intact. Unless we can somehow get Tkachuk and Hanifan to Boston in a package deal? Please?
- CAR Hurricanes resolve to work out with HC Rod the Bod 3x per week
- CHI Blackhawks resolve to just be better people moving forward. Stick up for those that can’t stick up for themselves and just do the right thing for fucks sake. Sheesh.
- COL Avalanche resolve to try and have some fun (why so serious?). Bonus resolution to keep Kadri from being a donkey in the playoffs.
- CBJ Bluejackets resolve to make people remember that they’re still in the NHL
- DAL Stars resolve to go at least 30 days without another player’s only meeting. Get it together Big D, and at this point, how about giving Fink @lacesoutfinkle87 a shot on color?
- DET Red Wings resolve to just do whatever Stevie Y says. Bonus resolution from our DET blogger Mazz @aamazza “Figure it out on the road. Bring Faygo, Coneys, Hot N’ Ready pizzas and a Journey mixtape when they travel to get that LCA feel.” I’m not sure what most of that means, but I’ll trust him on this one.
- EDM Oilers resolve to finally go get a number one goalie and please stop wasting McJesus and Leon’s prime years.
- FLA Panthers resolve to finally get healthy and drive a stake through the hearts of their cross state rivals.
- LA Kings resolve to not waste the end of Doughty, Kopitar, Quick and Brown’s careers and either move them to a contender or start playing the kids more.
- MIN Wild resolve to try for the playoffs, that’s it. Simple goals.
- MTL Canadiens resolve to not take ourselves so seriously, and bonus: resolve to not necessarily hire a coach that’s fluent in French. Just get the best coach for the job.
- NSH Predators resolve to lighten up on the banners already. It’s cute that you’re self aware, but it’s still 10-ply.
- NJ Devils resolve to stop with the slew foots. That’s right; PK has infected the entire team.
- NY Islanders resolve to grow facial hair during the regular season. I mean at this point, nothing else is working so why not Lou?
- NY Rangers resolve to find a backup goalie. Ok, obviously Ked has gotten in my head with that one. How about pick a captain? How about get Kreider a manscaping or Mich Ultra deal? Lot’s to pick from.
- OTT Senators resolve to gag their owner. Actually BUF pay attention, this could be a bonus one for your guy too.
- PHI Flyers resolve to not disappoint our fans this year (and this time mean it)
- PGH Penguins resolve to help Mario spend his $$. Can we all just take a minute to applaud Super Mario on this move? He turned the $26 million he was owed into a reported $350million with the team sale while retaining a percentage of ownership. What a legend.
- SJ Sharks resolve to get younger and figure out what to do with Evander Kane.
- SEA Kraken resolve to make their on-ice product as great as they’ve done everything else since their inception.
- STL Blues resolve to get their goalie some anger management tools
- TB Lightning resolve to conduct themselves on and off the ice in a way that won’t make everyone else (outside the greater Tampa area) want to punch them in the face repeatedly.
- TOR Maple Leafs resolve to have the entire roster learn the Heimlich Maneuver because… you know.
- VAN Canucks resolve to enjoy the ride and no more fires. We really really mean it this time.
- WAS Capitals resolve to stop being scumbags. Bonus resolution from our WAS blogger Disco @thedisco99 “Get healthy, Ovi keep scoring, and watch the Rangers choke away their season in the last month”. Disco just wants to watch it all burn.
- WPG Jets resolve to limit the calls to Big Buff begging him to come back to once a month. Ok, maybe twice a month, but that’s it.
We collectively all resolve to continue to provide you with a humourous (hopefully) look at the hockey world and provide some insight into this glorious game we all love.
From all of us here at TMS we want to wish you a very Happy New Year and thank you for your support. Without you the reader, none of us would be here and for that we are all truly thankful.
If you have any good/funny/heartfelt resolutions that in the slightest relate to hockey let us know. You can hit me up @abrow28 or send it to us on any of our social platforms.
And as always….. Go Bruins.