Throughout all of professional sports you hear of weird remedies and health tricks athletes use to give them the edge in their sport. In the late 90’s you had countless MLB players using needles to make their testosterone levels look like their credit card number. Tom Brady hadn’t had a carb since 2005 before he retired. Tonya Harding had her opponent’s knee caps turned into dust to try and secure a victory. But what is it that these Russian hockey players are doing that turns them into maniacs that invade the other team’s country net on a whim?
The answer is “The Russian Gas”. A substance straight out of a Marvel movie that not only gives these guys the mindset of playing absolutely no defense most of the time, but also makes scoring goals as easy as breathing in the crisp Siberian air they were raised in before being shipped to the US to dummy our league. If you ever wondered how Vladdy Poots scored >8 goals in an exhibition game against professional players over in Russia, now you know. It definitely wasn’t because the opposing team’s players thought they’d be endangered if they didn’t let it happen, he would NEVER.
If you know me, you know I am an extremely serious journalist. So let’s take an in depth look into just what this Russian Gas is along with some customer testimonials.
In Russia their main professional league is the KHL, previously known as the Russian Super League until 2007-2008. One of the more competitive professional leagues on the planet, this league has been a consistent factory for creating NHL superstars such as Artemi Panarin, Vladi Tarasenko, Kirill Kaprizov, Evgeni Malkin, and that Alex Ovechkin guy who is the greatest goal scorer in the history of our planet. It also has become a go to place for older NHL guy’s who A) can’t keep up with the youngins anymore or B) never could in the first place. And over in the KHL, those boys LOVE the gas. Just ask Ryan Whitney of Spittin’ Chiclets who got a taste of this sweet nectar of the gods after his NHL days had ended.
So what is it exactly?
Unfortunately, the nutrition label on Russian Gas is not part of the public domain. Which is probably a good thing, as this type of competitive advantage would not be safe in the hands of the public if Russia were ever to start a large conflict with the rest of the world. Luckily for us, a hero by the name of fatigues_ has given us the inside scoop on this substance.
“It’s probably Toradol, perhaps used in combination with an amphetamine to increase “psychological lift”. There is a long history of this drug being used on the QT by NHL teams. Sean Avery mentions its use by teams in his book Offside: My Life in Hockey.
Basically, Toradol (the brand name for the chemical ketorolac) is a non steroidal anti-inflammatory and pain reliever. The practical effect of Toradol is it makes a myriad of small to medium hurts just vanish within minutes. The psychological effect of this, especially when combined with an amphetamine to provide a psychological “lift”, is that it makes a player feel invincible on the ice. Yes, it really does work to achieve this effect quite effectively and predictably within minutes.
The problem is, it’s just a feeling of invincibility, it isn’t actual invincibility, so a player can sustain a serious injury or concussion and Toradol will, for a few hours, totally suppress the symptoms and pain allowing the player to just ignore it and play through it. Of course, the injury isn’t gone, it’s still there. So it can increase the chance of another serious injury and most of all, greatly increases the chance of aggravating the existing injury.”
Move over Gatorade, there’s a new Sherrif in town and he is chocked full of pain killers and amphetamines. Making players forget that they ever had any ounce of pain in their body, as if they’d have no issue body checking Dave Bautista on skates if needed. Combine that with a player like Ovi or Kirill the Thrill’s animalistic desire to do nothing but score goals, and your team has a problem on their hands my friend. Like Captain America got sponsored by Bauer.
Am I saying we should look into using this “Russian Gas” for our military, or at least to bring back the days when players in the MLB were cranking 70 home runs a year back in the good ole days? Maybe, but I’ll let you the people decide on that one.
Lastly if you please, enjoy this little anecdote from former NHL’er Tim Stapleton on the Spittin Chiclets podcast diving into what it’s like to be on The Gas.
The Morning Skate 