The Preservation of Phil Kessel

Today is February 1st, 2018, and Phil Kessel is a 2x Stanley Cup Champion… and also 3rd in the points race (59 points in 52 games). He is absolutely on fire this year, and the Penguins have seemed to turn their season around. And now that he’s on pace to have one of the best seasons of his career, it seems that the Penguins organization has begun their cryogenic freezing/cloning program.

Seeing this video, it confirms one thing…The Penguins organization has obtained cloning/cryogenic freezing technology in order to keep their superstars in their prime FOR ETERNITY. Now chances are that Malkin was able to smuggle this Soviet super-soldier technology out of Russia right out from under Vlad Putin’s nose. We’ve seen in this past year Malkin coming out in support of the Putin regime and it’s now known exactly why he came out publicly with that. Because besides saving whatever family he still has over there in Magnitogorsk from being sent to a Siberian work camp, he was stealing their methods for creating super athletes (See: Icarus on Netflix) and creating a super-team out of the Pittsburgh Penguins.

Now I’m fairly certain that this “cryotherapy booth” is actually a freezing chamber that the Penguins stars, Malkin, Sid, and Phil the Thrill are frozen in on off days, in an effort to save their prime playing days, it MAY also be a cloning chamber. And don’t come at me with some bullshit like “ThAt’s NOt A cLoniNg chAmBeR stOOpid, LMFAO”, because when is the last time you saw a cloning chamber you fuck? That’s right, I bet NEVER. Not to mention those scientists just recently cloned some non-human primates.

That might not even be the ORIGINAL Phil Kessel. Nothing in this can confirm that it’s the person we watched win 2 Stanley Cups… It is just as likely that the Penguins have realized there’s no way any other NHL teams want to help bolster their roster as we come closer to the trade deadline, and Mario and the Organization have taken matters into their own hands, and begun to clone players. I mean fuck, imagine having 4 right winger’s, all Phil Kessel. Because like it or not, this is the ideal male body. You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like


They’d score so many goals, and every town the Pens traveled to would experience a hot dog shortage, so invest all of your bitcoin in the hotdog industry just to be safe. It will be glorious.

But keep in mind this is all speculation… #STAYWOKE


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