Another year, another beer league. Beer leagues across the world are starting up and it’s about time to address some issues that I’ve had in my illustrious career. I’m sure I’m missing some, but here are my top 5 beer league pet peeves, in no particular order.
Setting up Your Team
If you’re a beer league captain you totally get this and if you’re not I hope one day you can feel the frustrations of recruiting and collecting money from players who want to be on your squad. I’d say it’s like pulling teeth but pulling teeth is leaps and bounds easier than this. Most of the time players give you the “Can I pay 1/2 now and 1/2 later?” Or “I can probably swing $___ instead, is that cool?” No, its not cool pal. This isn’t a bartering system, there is no negotiation. Here is the price, here is the schedule are you in or are you out? On top of that, the weekly text of notifying your team is about annoying as it gets. Every single league has a schedule and for some reason every player but yourself doesn’t know how to read it, its like hockey hieroglyphics. The difference is hieroglyphics you can’t read and a date and time you can. 1/2 the time people respond, 1/2 the time people don’t.
As beer leaguers we get the worst ice on the schedule. The youth hockey and high school organizations get the best times meaning us old timers get the shit end of the stick. Our league is set up about 50 min south of HQ. On top of this, most of our games either start at 6pm or 9:30. What does this mean? This means I have to sprint out of work to my car in an effort to miss traffic or I’m not getting home until around 11:30-midnight depending on how long the game goes. When do beer leaguers start earning the respect of ice schedulers? Give the 8 year olds the late spot. They’re so full of energy I doubt they’d even be phased. Myself on the other hand needs to pound two death wish coffees throughout the course of the day so I don’t turn into a zombie.
Clear Tape Guy
EVERYONE knows this guy. “Hey man, do you have any clear tape?” Yeah I do, and yes I will give you some because I’m a team guy and don’t want to be an asshole. Is it selfish to start saying no? Asking for myself because there isn’t a more eye rolling moment in my life then when some guy on the team asks me for clear after I’m done using it. I think we should institute a new rule in all beer leagues where whoever asks for tape needs to put 5 dollars in the fund for the after year fiesta. I know this might be aggressive but if this were done two things would happen.
- People will start bringing their own tape
- You’ll have enough money in the fund that by the end of the year you should be able to shut down your local pub with an all out shaker.
Guys who Take Slap Shots From The Point
Here’s a little PSA to the clowns who try to go Zdeno Chara from the point. You aren’t making the NHL and there’s about a 99% chance that you have no idea where that puck is going. I am now a perimeter player because of players like this. Do I want to get in front of the net for some donkey to fire a puck head high? That’s a no for me dog. For players new to beer league, when you see a defenseman start to wind up for a slap shot get the fuck out of the way because you’re either going to eat it or the puck is going the other way for an odd man rush. Let’s all stop pretending like we’re sweet and get pucks to the net.
The Tough Guy
It’s 2018 and we still have some people acting like they’re god damn Ogie Oglethorpe. Listen guys and girls, I have work in the morning so I’m not looking to get my face caved in by some 45 year old who clearly is having some family issues. Here’s some advice for players looking to stay away from this:
During warmups before every game look down to the other end of the ice and do some tough guy profiling. Players above 6’3 wearing number 69 with a giant beard and neck tattoo are guys you should probably try and stay away from. Other players to stay away from are kids freshly out of college. They haven’t experienced the grind of beer league and have more fight in them then you probably do at this point in your life. They’ll slash and hack and will also be the first players who bitch and complain when you give it back to them. Although the “tough guy” is a pet peeve, they’re also someone you want on your own team for entertainment purposes. You feel a lot better when you’re on the other end of someone getting fucked with.
Like I said, I’m sure I am missing a ton. Have some other pet peeves? Let us know.