Stop Trying to Make Jack Johnson a Thing.

Jack Johnson Is Bad at Hockey.

And directing kayaks on ice.

Today the Penguins released film of Bryan Rust and off season acquisition Jack Johnson racing kayaks through a course of cones on the ice. Though it is a strange thing to put out there on twitter, it seems pretty obvious that it was just a video to put out to try to make Jack Johnson a little more likeable.

Now I was optimistic about the Johnson signing over the summer. I thought he was getting overpaid at the time, but I’m no NHL GM, even though I won like 7 straight Cups on NHL14 because of my stellar scouting abilities and shrewd business acumen.

I digress.


This PR move to try to make Jack Johnson likeable might have worked before the season started, but right now, it’s simply another video exemplifying that he is not good at anything (except for being bad at everything). He gets absolutely SMOKED by Bryan Rust. I mean he can’t even win when it’s pretty obvious that he cheated. He seems to maybe just excel at getting beat in all physical activities.

The Penguins are 4-1-2 at this point in the season. and Jack Johnson is a -3, with one assist. In their 6-5 overtime win against the Oilers on 10/23, Johnson was on the ice for ALL 5 goals against. ALL FUCKING 5. It doesn’t even seem like that should be possible. I don’t know how he remains in the lineup day after day. I suppose they have to find a way to justify his 5 Year $3.25 million contract.

Now at this point in the season, the defense is still looking ok. Kris Letang looks like he feels confident, and if he keeps his play at this high of a level, I could honestly see him getting some serious Norris consideration. But back to that human pylon Jack Johnson. He is simply just VERY bad. I can honestly find no upside. I’m not sure how GMJR expects to keep this guy around for 5 years. I think that If he continues to play the same way and can’t turn it around, that Juuso Riikola just might start eating up his ice time.

So here’s a tip for the Pens PR team, STOP TRYING TO MAKE ME LIKE JACK JOHNSON.

Also buy merch, and order the coolest sweater you’ll ever see.

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