In the years I had a social life, one of my superpowers was seeing the “animal doppelganger” in people. Although people tend to get offended when I give them an animal, there’s no use running from it. Everyone has an animal.
Your animal can reveal a lot about you; it’s not just looks. Here’s my NHL All-Time First Line of animal lookalikes and their spirit animals.
FORWARDS
Wayne Gretkzy: Rhesus macaque
I’ve always thought Wayne Gretzky looked like some type of royal, relaxed primate, above the jungle around him. His face glows with nobility, intelligence, and – let’s not kid ourselves – downright cuteness.
Rhesus macaques are so smart they’ve even been sent to outer space. But even they could not discover which alien planet Gretzkey’s DNA came from. This is mostly due to the fact they were all named Albert and were all killed in the line of NASA duty: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Monkeys_and_apes_in_space.
Mario Lemieux: Gray wolf
Legendary. Fearless. Ultimate team guy. Like the wolf, who was successfully reintroduced in North America after nearly being hunted to extinction, Mario came back from Hodgkin’s disease to resume superstar form. A lethal finisher, he’ll complement Gretzky’s calculus well and serve as the charismatic poster child for the NHL All-Time Animal Lookalike Team.
Alex Ovechkin: Tarantula
Ovechkin’s quick trigger, aggression, and hairiness give NHL coaches Ovechkaphobia. Ovie taking his patented left-point one-timer is every scarier than waking up to a bed full of spiders. Despite his intimidating play, Ovie and his spirit tarantula are actually quite cuddly and friendly, which will make for a key locker room addition.
Although he doesn’t actually bite or consume the blood of his victims, Ovie does destroy some gross meals like spaghetti with alfredo and ketchup.
DEFENSE
Bobby Orr: Golden Retriever
Golden Retrievers don’t make the best guard dogs. But that hardly matters when can go coast-to-coast with a tennis ball glued to your mouth. Orr is an iconic force in the game as a player, agent, and executive. Goldens get along with kids, other dogs, and cats. We don’t need businesslike dobermans or pitbulls with anger issues on our blue line. We need Orr’s versaitility.
Nicklas Listrom: Cougar
Are all NHL legends beautiful, or do I need to revisit my sexual orientation? This feathered blond beauty ranges over the defensive zone like a dominant cougar over his mountain range. North America’s big cat is an apex predator that keeps the whole food chain in line by eating pigeons like elk and deer. Lidstrom did the same for 25 minutes a game over 20 years.
GOALIE
Ken Dryden: Yeti
Like a myth, Ken Dryden came out of the mists of obscurity (Cornell) to lead the Canadians to a Stanley Cup in his rookie season. Dryden is a classic interesting (e.g. strange) goalie, juggling hockey with a law degree and writing. His unorthodox resting stance pictured above represents the intimidating power embodied by his gigantic frame and creative intellect. Presumably the Yeti too embodies these characteristics by avoiding human contact for untold thousands of years and simultaneously scaring the wits out of people.
Dryden wasn’t fictional, but he was a fairy tale, winning 6 Cups in just 9 seasons played. Dryden chose to retire at just 31. He continue on his journey of terrorizing the people in the north by becoming a politician.
Coach
Jack Capuano: Abyssian guinea pig
I know Cappy isn’t the best coach out there. But for my team, I need someone who’s gonna stand there and just let the boys play. In addition to accepting a quiet, unassuming role in the squad, Cappy has the gift of looking exactly like this freaky little furry.
ANALYST
Paul Bissonnette: Sun bear
Hellooooooo everybody. The analyst with the anal lust. @BizNasty2point0
Hellooooooo, rockets. Look at my tongue. Photo: science101.com
Spittin Chiclets didn’t make Biz a Bruins fan — he was born a bear. I’m not sure how the sun bear got to South America, but I like to think he migrated in search of sun, CBD oil, and more kills. Like Biz, the sun bear is cute and cuddly until it rips your face off. We’ll also have an actual bear alongslide Biz in the press box, and start our Bear Prince rip off of Tiger King.
