NHL Animal Doppelgangers All-Time Team

In the years I had a social life, one of my superpowers was seeing the “animal doppelganger” in people. Although people tend to get offended when I give them an animal, there’s no use running from it. Everyone has an animal. 

Your animal can reveal a lot about you; it’s not just looks. Here’s my NHL All-Time First Line of animal lookalikes and their spirit animals. 

 

FORWARDS

Wayne Gretkzy: Rhesus macaque

Wayne Gretzky Hockey Stats and Profile at hockeydb.com
Wayne with the dirty high school hockey player hair. Photo: hockeydb.com

 

Rhesus macaque fashioning suspicious “dirt ball.” Note the beautiful Canadian-like hair in this species. Photo: German Primate Center, dpz.eu 

I’ve always thought Wayne Gretzky looked like some type of royal, relaxed primate, above the jungle around him. His face glows with nobility, intelligence, and – let’s not kid ourselves – downright cuteness.  

Rhesus macaques are so smart they’ve even been sent to outer space. But even they could not discover which alien planet Gretzkey’s DNA came from. This is mostly due to the fact they were all named Albert and were all killed in the line of NASA duty: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Monkeys_and_apes_in_space

Mario Lemieux: Gray wolf

Took me extra long to write this after I got lost in this gaze. Photo: Canadian Olympic Team
The real King in the North. Photo: The Guardian

Legendary. Fearless. Ultimate team guy. Like the wolf, who was successfully reintroduced in North America after nearly being hunted to extinction, Mario came back from Hodgkin’s disease to resume superstar form. A lethal finisher, he’ll complement Gretzky’s calculus well and serve as the charismatic poster child for the NHL All-Time Animal Lookalike Team.

Alex Ovechkin: Tarantula

The Gr8 Eight. Photo: Ross D. Franklin, AP
The Not-so-gr8 Eight. Photo: New York Post

Ovechkin’s quick trigger, aggression, and hairiness give NHL coaches Ovechkaphobia. Ovie taking his patented left-point one-timer is every scarier than waking up to a bed full of spiders. Despite his intimidating play, Ovie and his spirit tarantula are actually quite cuddly and friendly, which will make for a key locker room addition. 

Although he doesn’t actually bite or consume the blood of his victims, Ovie does destroy some gross meals like spaghetti with alfredo and ketchup. 

 

DEFENSE

Bobby Orr: Golden Retriever

He’s 504 in dog years. Photo: Penguin Random House
He’s going to live forever because he’s a good boy. Photo: Prestige Animal Hospital

Golden Retrievers don’t make the best guard dogs. But that hardly matters when can go coast-to-coast with a tennis ball glued to your mouth. Orr is an iconic force in the game as a player, agent, and executive. Goldens get along with kids, other dogs, and cats. We don’t need businesslike dobermans or pitbulls with anger issues on our blue line. We need Orr’s versaitility. 

Nicklas Listrom: Cougar

Pictured: two cougars. Photo: mlive.com
He could be from Krylbo with those eyes. Photo: Oregonlive.com

Are all NHL legends beautiful, or do I need to revisit my sexual orientation? This feathered blond beauty ranges over the defensive zone like a dominant cougar over his mountain range.  North America’s big cat is an apex predator that keeps the whole food chain in line by eating pigeons like elk and deer. Lidstrom did the same for 25 minutes a game over 20 years. 

GOALIE

Ken Dryden: Yeti

A rare Ken Dryden sighting in the wild. Photo: Habseyesontheprize.com
Yeti called his boys in after I called him fictional. Photo: cbc.ca

Like a myth, Ken Dryden came out of the mists of obscurity (Cornell) to lead the Canadians to a Stanley Cup in his rookie season. Dryden is a classic interesting (e.g. strange) goalie, juggling hockey with a law degree and writing. His unorthodox resting stance pictured above represents the intimidating power embodied by his gigantic frame and creative intellect. Presumably the Yeti too embodies these characteristics by avoiding human contact for untold thousands of years and simultaneously scaring the wits out of people.

Dryden wasn’t fictional, but he was a fairy tale, winning 6 Cups in just 9 seasons played. Dryden chose to retire at just 31. He continue on his journey of terrorizing the people in the north by becoming a politician.

Coach

Jack Capuano: Abyssian guinea pig

What kind of product do you use? Photo: USA Today
Cappy’s University of Maine ID card. Photo: guineapiginfo.com

I know Cappy isn’t the best coach out there. But for my team, I need someone who’s gonna stand there and just let the boys play. In addition to accepting a quiet, unassuming role in the squad, Cappy has the gift of looking exactly like this freaky little furry. 

ANALYST

Paul Bissonnette: Sun bear

Hellooooooo everybody. The analyst with the anal lust. @BizNasty2point0

Hellooooooo, rockets. Look at my tongue. Photo: science101.com

Spittin Chiclets didn’t make Biz a Bruins fan — he was born a bear. I’m not sure how the sun bear got to South America, but I like to think he migrated in search of sun, CBD oil, and more kills. Like Biz, the sun bear is cute and cuddly until it rips your face off. We’ll also have an actual bear alongslide Biz in the press box, and start our Bear Prince rip off of Tiger King.

Author: Puckraker

Puckraker grew up skating and retired after a Tier III NYS tournament appearance with the Great Neck Bruins. These days, Puckraker is a lawyer living the dream from New Orleans, where there are no hockey rinks.

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