Imaginary Gary Bettman Press Conference

After much deliberation, Gary Bettman announced, as a figment of my imagination, in a very fake and made up press conference in my mind, that the NHL will not enforce social distancing during gameplay. 

Me: “Mr. Bettman, wearing masks on the ice would be ridiculous and hilarious. I’m not opposed to it. But seriously, aren’t you worried a player is gonna give some girl a mustache ride and burst the covid bubble?”

Bettman: “Puckraker! My man! Thank you for the incredible question. Don’t worry about playoff hockey getting cancelled. In reality, Canada looks way way better than the U.S. right now. We could never skate in the U.S. this summer. 

For fuck’s sake, Puckraker. Three states are worse than Bahrain right now. Like by themselves. 

So, even if Canada let us borrow Tom Green, and we stuck him in a gutted moose at center ice, they still wouldn’t cancel us. I could spit in Roger Goodell’s mouth tomorrow and hockey would still happen and football won’t.    

You should watch Freddy Got Fingered, dude. Canada has it figured out.

We got Canada on our side, let’s fucking go, Puckraker. I was DYING laughing when the MLS parked its car in Orlando. IN FLORIDA! They just set the one day record for cases! Dumbasses already dropped 2 teams from their sad ‘Cup.’

Me: “The NBA is in Orlando, too.”

Bettman: “HAHAHAHAHA. What a circus. They are going to need Mickey and Goofy to suit up at this point.

I can’t believe I even announced Vegas as a possible city. At times, I’m not surprised I get booed. I make some bonehead calls. I’ll take some heat for the Atlanta Thrashers, maybe even the Yotes. But damn, give me some credit for the Tampa Bay Lightning!”

Me: “Please bring a team to New Orleans. Now that you made the Best Playoffs Ever happen, you think people will stop booing you? Wow, when did I get in your corner, Gary? You want a back rub?”

Bettman: “Puckraker, my sweet summer child. They will never stop booing me. But I might pull off being the only commissioner in North America with a sport to talk about. So they can ride my face for all I care.”

Me: “You wanna grab some beers?”

Bettman: “Yeah. I have a joint on me too. Fuck it, I’m not playing. Let’s get ripped and make fun of Florida.”


Author: Puckraker

Puckraker grew up skating and retired after a Tier III NYS tournament appearance with the Great Neck Bruins. These days, Puckraker is a lawyer living the dream from New Orleans, where there are no hockey rinks.

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