Bruins Summer 6 Pack

Here are some of the headlines making the rounds for those Bruins fans looking for their hockey fix in the dog days of summer.

Spooner Signs 1 Year, $2,825,000 Deal

 

Pretty meh, all the way around. Ryan Spooner has shown flashes of brilliance. He is without a doubt a driving force on the Bruins power play, setting up a countless number of goals. And everyone knows he does that cool thing where he opens up his hips and goes 10 to 2 (copyright Jack Edwards) on defenders. But the dudes gotta show us more. Name another player who got benched in the first round of the playoffs for blue chip young guns such as Sean Kuraly and Tim Schaller, and STILL got payed close to 3 million. You can’t.

Two things need to happen for Spooner this season.

  1. He needs to be more reliable in his own zone. Gaining trust in the coaching staff will allow him to stay at his natural position so he will no longer have to look like a dementia patient on the wings.
  2. Give the guy some real wingers. I know we have spoiled him with the previously mentioned Chinese Tattoo Warrior and the unemployed Hayes brother, but give him a chance. It’s not a shocker that maybe the best stretch of play Spooner has had in the spoked B came with Looch and Pasta at his side. If you give him players that can bury, he will be successful. Hopefully one of the young forwards (Bjork, Debrusk, Senyshyn, Heinen) can break out and give him that production.

 

 

The Pride of Dorchester Buys Felger A Beer

By now, all of Boston knows that the Red Sox are a sensitive bunch and David Price is throwing temper tantrums on their team plane at media members like an annoying baby that shit himself on your 5 hour cross-country red-eye and now wont shut the hell up.

So it was refreshing to watch this. Jimmy Hayes ran into HOF rat Mike Felger from CSNNE at a bar in Nantucket (we get it guys, you have money). He proceeded to hand him a beer and tell him man to man the issues he had with Felger during his Bruins tenure. That’s how you handle it. You don’t scream and cry for all to see, do it out of the spotlight. Voice your concerns and reward the man with a beer for sitting there and getting verbally emasculated by a professional athlete for a few minutes. Hat tip to Jimbo.

It must be tough being unemployed while your little brother whose most famous for pooping in a stairwell is thriving.

Cue The Highlight!

 

Bruins Name Jay Leach PBruins Head Coach

Not much to add here, Leach is guy who has been in the organization as an Assistant, went to college at Providence and played well over 100 games in the organization. If there’s one thing I trust Sweeney with, its player development.

The most important thing regarding this signing is that Leach is married to Kathryn Tappen. God I love that women. Come home Kathryn, we need you in Boston.

 

 

 

 

 

Boston Hotel Unveils Bobby Orr Suite

Are you rich? Can you afford a boyhood dream of a hotel room for $1500 dollars a night? Are you borderline obsessed with a Grandpa? Did your wife turn your man cave into a meal prep station and that really grind your gears? Well do I have the spot for you!

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David Pastrnak Still Without A Contract

It has come out that the Bruins initial offer for the young winger who finished with 70 points last season comes in at about 6 million per year. In a market where Ryan Johansen just received 64 million and Draisaitl is asking for NFL money, this may not get the job done. But as I have been saying all summer long, take a xanax Bruins fans. This is not Kessel or Hamilton. Pasternak isn’t pounding Dunkin Donuts in the corner of workouts taunting coaches, like Phil. And last time I checked he doesn’t have a failure older brother who can’t make it in the show that mommy and daddy are demanding get a job, like Douglas. Pasta has done everything right on and off the ice since coming to Boston, and has been more than pleased with the organization in his time here. The guys out in god damn China right now introducing the sport on behalf of the organization.

Lets just hope he doesn’t come back inked up like Beleskey. I don’t read mandarin, but inside sources have confirmed that the tattoo roughly translates to “overpayment”.

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The Springfield Riffle to Battle Rap Old Celtic Mike Gorman

Tomorrow at 8am, Frank Vatrano will take part in a battle rap on Toucher and Rick. An Italian kid with tattoos and gold chains from Springfield,Massachusetts putting out a rap? Talk about stereotypical. I don’t have it in front of me, but I’m pretty sure the Geneva Convention confirms that Springfield, Massachusetts, home of nothing awesome, has the highest number per capita of mixtapes released on soundcloud from white kids in their parent’s basement in the Northeast. With Franks parents owning an italian restaurant, I expect at least one 8mile reference of “Theres vomit on his sweater already, moms spaghetti.”

Mike Gorhams 69 years old, nice, so I expect the Springfield Riffle to chalk up an easy win.

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