Do Digestive Systems Need Enforcers: My Column: On Tapeworms and Urine: Columbus Bluejackets Edition

A Columbus Blue Jackets prospect, Carson Meyer, who had a bad year at Miami Ohio, and is now transferring to Ohio State, recently divulged that he shit out a 25 inch tapeworm.

via The Athletic

“I was going to the bathroom, just like normal,” Meyer said. “And it came out.”

It was a 25-inch tapeworm — the head, the neck and all of the segments, about 50 of them. It was orange. Meyer almost fainted.

“I FaceTimed my mom and was like, ‘What the hell is this thing?’ ” Meyer said. “I was freaking out. Absolutely freaking out.”

brb gonna go throw up.

Image result for team america vomit gif

So you need to protect your digestive system, because you can’t have a tapeworm just absolutely dummying your stomach and overall health. Also this guy got a tapeworm from eating sushi. I personally have to say, I wouldn’t trust the tuna shashimi in Miami, Ohio. But hey that’s just personal preference.

If there was a guy on a rival team who beat the shit out of your star player, you’d find someone to take care of him on the ice. So your digestive system needs enforcers and here are some options to make sure that you stay healthy.

Kombucha

So first of all, everyone who has a girlfriend knows that Kombucha is “good for your gut”. Really it’s just fermented tea, so it’s a probiotic or something,. But also fermentation creates alcohol so it’s essentially just a mikes hard lemonade that protects your digestive system like you have a tiny Bob Probert beating the shit out of “the toxins” you ingested all weekend. Perfect for getting loaded while also making sure that you don’t have to shit out a 25 inch tapeworm.

Ginger

So Ginger is also supposed to be really “good for your gut”. If you’ve ever been on Instagram you’ve probably seen Instagram models drinking ginger and apple cider vinegar because it will make you skinny. Everyone knows that you can just eat all the Taco Bell Cheesy Gordita Crunches you want and drink a case of bud heavy, as long as you have some ginger and apple cider vinegar on Sunday morning.

Contact Your Local Enforcer

Most of you play beer league with a guy who used to be an enforcer, he probably plays death metal during pregame, he bangs his head on the wall in the locker room to get himself ready to play, makes everyone sort of uncomfortable, and throws the body around in a pickup game against guys who are old enough to be his dad. This honestly might be your best shot. Text that guy, and ask him for his piss.

urinesamples

He’ll probably say “sorry, can’t help you pass your drug test, just ate a peanut butter and percocet sandwich”. But little does he know, you don’t need to pass a drug test, you just need a nice warm cup of piss to protect your stomach, and wipe all particles of a tapeworm out of your stomach, just to keep healthy. See urine is sterile, so it’s not gonna hurt you, might taste a little weird, but a warm frothy mug of piss is exactly what you need to protect your stomach from tapeworms and keep your production up.

So your digestive system does need enforcers, its official. But mostly just for their piss.

 

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