Husky. Big boned. Heavy Set. These are just some terms used to describe someone as fat without hurting their feelings. We’ve come a long way since the early 90s when Tony Perkis was cancelling lunch due to lack of hustle.
Last night, in the midst of game 2, Cliffy hockey went right for the throat and said it.
He called Pat Maroon fat. Now some people might think this is C+ level chirping but have you ever been called fat before? It’s arguably the worst thing to be called. You immediately feel guilty about ripping through a pint of Ben and Jerry’s Phish food. You regret eating Fettuccine Alfredo every day even though you tell yourself this is harmless carbo loading.
Now, I’m not saying you can’t call someone fat in hockey. It’s harmless chirping or mental warfare and if you can’t handle being called fat then you probably can’t handle laying down in front of a Zdeno Chara slapshot. However, I am writing this blog to pump the tires of all those professional athletes who have been called those words. Husky. Big Boned. Heavy Set.
These fat people are doing the same job as all of these 3% body fat, putting powder in your water, yoga stretching, counting carb neanderthals. Yes, thats right. Cliffy hockey and Patty Maroon make almost the same amount of money and by my guess live different healthy lifestyles. Yeah, Patty might not be able to take his shirt off at a pool party but I don’t think that matters when you’re taking home almost a million dollars a year. Furthermore, dad bods have been in since the term dad bods have been coined, MEANING, Patty is not struggling in the wheeling and dealing department.
Let me ask you another question. You have to go in the corner 1 v 1 against an NHLer who weighs 180 pounds of washboard abs or against a 220lb grizzly bear in Patty Maroon. I’ll take my chances against the guy sponsored by Lulu Lemon instead of Red Man, Milwaukee’s Best, and the Jack Hawk 9000. I’d like to think we’re on the same page.
Bigger athletes have always been endeared by fans. Babe Ruth, Bartolo Colon, Dusty Buffs, Patty Maroon. Fans love these types of players because not only are they living the dream but their living the dream the way you would want to. So tonight, I’m going to rip a 6 pack, a bacon cheeseburger and cheers it to Civic Center legend Patty Maroon and his frame. We’re with you Patty.