Highway to Hell

Holy Shit! Your Boston Bruins lost not only 2 games in a row for the first time this season, they then went out and got shit-pumped by the Carolina Hurricanes to lose 3 games in row! The power play sucks and all of a sudden the Bruins’ netminders can’t stop a beachball! Blow it up, Sweeney; this season is over!

This has been a failure of epic proportions, at this point no one on the roster should be safe. Jeremy Swayman sucks and the horseshoe Linus Ullmark had stuck up his ass must have fallen out. The Bruins desperately need Torey Krug back on the blueline as Brandon Carlo is too soft to play in the NHL and should be waived to Providence so someone picks up his contract. Actually, you can package Carlo, Matt Grzelcyk, Charlie Coyle and Trent Frederic for Brady Tkachuk (I don’t care that Tkachuk isn’t on the market, make it happen!). The Bruins don’t need Bo Horvat or Jonathan Toews at the deadline, the Bruins need a puck moving defenseman like Erik Karlsson! Maybe the best solution is to package Jack Edwards and Fabian Lysell for Trevor Zegras and Mason McTavish? The Bruins should bench David Krejci and drop Patrice Bergeron to the 2nd line, let’s see what Brad Marchand can do at the center position. Taylor Hall should be healthy scratched, he’s not skating at all and looks disinterested, and Pavel Zacha is best suited for 4th line minutes. And don’t get me started on David Pastrnak. The way he’s been playing lately, the Bruins should just let him walk at the end of the season, why sign him if he clearly plays like he doesn’t care?

Whew… that feels better. Got it all out of your system yet? All of the above “suggestions” for Don Sweeney were pulled directly from fan sites by so-called “knowledgeable hockey fans” regarding the hometown team. I kindly suggest you all fuck right off and get back in your mom’s basement. Actually, I’m going to take it a step further. If you’ve entertained any of the above notions, or shared them on any social media platform, I hereby suspend you from watching the Bruins play until after the All-Star break, (I mean it’s only one game, so it’s a fairly light sentence). Relax Chicken Little, it’ll be okay. I mean did you Mensa members really think the Bruins were going to go 82-0??

Let’s look at the recent road trip a little more rationally shall we? First the boys faced off against the TBL in what looked and felt like a playoff game. Facing a veteran team that knows a thing or two about winning, the Bruins lost by a goal but this game could have gone either way. Not to mention that the Lightning still have Andrei Vasilevskiy in net and have set a new franchise record for 12 wins in a row at home. You’re going to tell me that a 7-game series wouldn’t be electric between these 2 clubs?

Up next for the Bruins was a trip to FLA where they lost in OT. A game with a number of fluky bounces and plays and yet again was decided by 1 goal. At least the Bruins got a point out of this one (even though the fact they lost is entirely Homeboy Jack’s fault for jinxing the Bruins and he should be fired – yes people are blaming Jack Edwards for losses now). FLA is not on the same level as the Bruins, but those are still NHL-ers on the other team, and when you’re the best team in the league, you’re going to get everyone’s A game every night. FLA is currently out of the playoff structure, but if this was a 7-game series, I’d bet on it being over in 4 for the B’s.

Then the Bruins traveled to CAR for the 2nd of a back to back (also known as a “scheduled loss” in NHL circles). The ‘Canes looked quicker and were winning foot races, but I’m chalking that up to a 3rd game in 4 nights for the Bruins. CAR is deep and excellent with puck possession, which starts at winning face-offs (Jordan Staal ate Bergeron’s lunch at the dot in this one, and that doesn’t happen very often) and play a similar game to the Bruins. The ‘Canes employ layered defense, keeping offensive rushes to the perimeter and closing gaps through the neutral zone. One thing the ‘Canes do that the Bruins don’t do however, is cry like toddlers. Holy shit, every time I watch CAR I’m more annoyed by the amount of whining coming out of their mouths. Rod the Bod has transformed into Hunt the C— (you get the idea). Go back and watch the replay of Pavel Zacha’s goal in the 3rd period. Sebastian Aho gets his stick knocked out of his hands and immediately stops skating to cry to the refs, and the Bruin he should have been covering (Zacha) walks in for the goal. CAR is climbing the charts of whiny twat teams in my own personal power rankings.

Up next for the Bruins is a trip to Toronto (speaking of whiny twats) before the All-Star game and some much needed time off for rest and practice. So in the meantime, Keep Calm and Bergeron and listen to The Captain himself: “We talked about facing adversity at some point in the year and here we are. We have to face that as a team together and roll up our sleeves and learn from what hasn’t been there the last few games.”

There is no panic in that room, they know what the goal is and what they have to do. Here in the Hub of Hockey the team is not after President Trophy banners, save that nonsense for teams like NSH. Here, the boys know what matters most and those players and coaches understand that and are working towards that goal.

For the rest of you? Breathe into a paper bag and visit a dispensary.