If Gary Bettman Cares About The Sport of Hockey and Connor Bedard, He Must Embrace Positive Corruption

It might be because my team is a wheelchair with pedals this year so they aren’t even sniffing playoffs, but it feels like the race to get this guy above at #1 is just as intense a race as the race for the cup. Below is the current chances at the #1 overall pick for the draft this summer via Tankathon.com.

Connor Bedard SHOULD have a career that includes multiple championships, countless records rewritten, enough to give him his own section in the hockey history books. There’s just one problem: all of the teams most likely to get the #1 pick STINK. I’m not even talking about their records, it just simply wouldn’t be good for the game of hockey for him to go to any of those teams. Gary Bettman has made enough dumb moves in the past few years to give Kanye a run for his money, but he could make that all right by carrying out some corruption for the betterment of hockey by stepping in and making sure Bedard doesn’t go to most of those teams. Below is a completely unbiased, objective reason as to why the teams at the top of that list above should not get Bedard.

1. Columbus Blue Jackets- Living in Ohio is probably already bad enough. But now putting him here would put poor Connor way too close to Chernobyl Palestine, Ohio where he would be at risk of growing a third leg his rookie season and not in the good way.

2. San Jose Sharks-no one in California gives a flying, swimming, or floating fuck about hockey. They are far too worried about their organic juice smoothies and meditating. He would also be on the west coast where his games start at 9:30 every night, aka no one is watching.

3. Chicago Blackhawks- Please see here. They took the phrase “anything for the Cup” way too seriously.

4. Anaheim Ducks- review option #2 above

5. Arizona Coyotes-the last time the Coyotes weren’t in a rebuild I’m pretty sure people were still wearing Nike Shox and the Motorola Razr was the hottest phone to have. They also play in a local frat-themed YMCA. Not up for discussion.

6. Montreal Canadiens-with Bedard being in Gen Z you have to be mindful of him getting his feelings hurt. The media pressure in Montreal might be too much for the young 17 year old, so if you care about him as a person he absolutely cannot go here.

7. Philadelphia Flyers-here is a short list of things that go together better than what John Tortorella coaching a Gen Z Superstar will go: toothpaste and orange juice, PK Slubban in the booth with Mark Messier, and Four Lokos at your grandma’s funeral.

8. Vancouver Canucks-the way they treated good guy Bruce Boudreau you don’t want a fragile 17 year old anywhere near this city. Vancouver is also home to the only nude beach in Canada, and hockey can’t have it’s sweet prince getting distracted.

No, what Connor Bedard needs is a market that isn’t too big, isn’t too small, an organization that treats it’s players and alumni so good they stick with the organization well past retirement, in a city that loves hockey.

Even when they’re publicly tanking, St. Louis still shows up for their team. Even as someone not involved in their fandom so this isn’t biased at all, I have to respect it. Beating out the #1 team in the league in Boston and the team from the so called “State of Hockey” is no easy feat. If I’m Gary Bettman and I’m looking at this objectively, I know exactly where the best place for Connor Bedard is.

Sure, it would be awesome to watch Ovechkin mentor him in Washington. But that also risks Connor becoming addicted to the Russian gas. Don’t even get me started on how bad crime in Detroit is. I couldn’t imagine Connor going to such a crime ridden city (data from Population U)

For undisclosed reasons, we do not know why #6 on this list was hidden. Again, we are just presenting the facts here.

It’s time for Gary Bettman to finally be worthy of his title as commissioner for once and do what is right for the league. Only time will tell who gets Bedard to change the trajectory of their franchise for the next 20 years. It pains me to say it as an objective, unbiased journalist, but if the scales tilt in favor of what is right for hockey and Connor as a person the people of St. Louis will be rewarded.

Or at least, just anywhere but Chicago. You know why, Chicago.

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