NHL “insiders” and Keds Reaction to NYR

I have spent a majority of my day working a lax tournament where I’ve watched a bunch of rich 10 year olds run around playing a sport that will lead you no where except a D3 scholarship and maybe an adderal addiction. Why? Because I need the money. What would I rather be doing? Cranky it to free agent frenzy.

Free Agent Frenzy is pretty much like Christmas Eve to me, and if you ask my facebook friends who know that I change my name to James Claus every December 1st, it’s a pretty big deal. There’s nothing like an official Bob McKenzie tweet that really gets the blood flowing. It’s a nice little whisper into my ear letting me know everything is going to be alright and that I am special in my own way. Listen guys, if you’re into free agent frenzy, do yourself a favor and just follow Bobby Mac. Id be willing to go out and say literally everyone else out there doesn’t have a fucking clue whats going on. Here’s just a V quick disclaimer- All of these NHL “insiders” and “traderumours” and “e5” are all a bunch of horse shit- you’re getting played by a 40 year old fat guy eating a twix candy bar in his moms basement. I know Kevin Weekes ultimately called the Shattenkirk deal after pulling off one of the greatest 360 flip flops of all time but let me ask you something- If Kevin Weekes can’t even get it right, why do you think these loser idiots can? What they do is “call” something everyone else has been saying and when it comes true they say “HA I TOLD YOU IM AN INSIDER” when what they should be telling you is “HEY I AM A VIRGIN.” But anyways, because I am one of the residential Rangers fans, I figure I’ll break their deals down for you.

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Rangers sign goalie Ondrej Pavelec to a 1 year 1.3 million dollar deal

HFBoards pretty much shut down when this news broke. Everyone couldn’t believe that they’d pay over a million dollars for Ondrej Pavalec. Hey bud, real quick. .3 million dollars means absolutely fucking nothing (as long as youre not a real person cus I could really go for .3 mill).

Want to know why I like this guy?

  • I could add and drop him religiously in my fantasy league whenever I wanted (goalies points mattered).
  • This guy has a never give up never surrender thing. Remember when he stroked out back in 2010?
  • Its for one year. One year!!!!! This means, the boys in blue are waiting for the arrival of the prince Igor Shestyorkin- get it, cus hank is the King. God, im clever.

All in all, Benny Allaire can work magic and he wouldn’t have signed up for this if he didn’t think he could Harry Potter this motherfucker.

 

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Rangers sign Defenseman Kevin Shattenkirk to a 4 year 26.6 million dollar deal.

Gonna open this with a question; Who is ready to see the real Ryan McDonagh?? A Ryan McDonagh who will now be able to play to his full potential. This beauty took a considerable home town discount to play for the Blueshirts. I love this guy already, just for that. At 4 years, the Rangers provided themselves an insurance policy in case Shatty wants to Redden or Boyle, and at a decent cap hit makes Shattenkirk a great addition. A right handed, puck moving, AMERICAN, defenseman gets me torqued and I don’t care who knows it. Watch this video and tell me that you don’t want to go through a brick wall for this guy:

The Rangers went from one of the worst D in the league to probably a top 10- depending on the use of the red headed step child (I am so afraid DeAngelo won’t play over Staal and Holden that I could cry). Their powerplay automatically gets better, and the Rangers have a first pairing that could go down as the best American pairing in recent memory.

The Rangers now have a bit of problem at the center position but Gorton has essentially been able to deal Rantaa and Stepan for Shattenkirk, DeAngelo, Pavelec and Anderrson. I’ll take that all day, baby. Rangers Fans! What are your thoughts on this?!

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